Elegy
by AstraPerAspera
Summary: She had always known that this was one aspect of Jack’s life she would never be able to completely share, but she had believed that eventually she could at least be able to be there for him when this dreaded day rolled around." S/J Established.
1. Chapter 1

**ELEGY**

by

AstraPerApsera

Chapter One

_(A/N: Thanks to my betas, mara-anni and jenniferjf. Yes. It takes two to keep me in line.)_

"Could someone please tell me why we're here?"

She couldn't blame Daniel for the irritation in his voice. Truth be told, she was a bit annoyed herself. And Teal'c was…well, if she'd known him less well she would have thought him indifferent; but there was a subtle tenseness in the way he clasped his hands on the table in front of him that made her pretty sure he was sharing in their commiseration. Technically, none of them were supposed to be here. Which simply meant, of course, that they all _were_ here, just doing the things that they seemed never to have the time to do when they were actually here. Such as cataloguing two months' back-log of artifacts, in Daniel's case. Or figuring out the best approach to determining the decay rate of naquadah in hers. Even now the naquadah generator was sitting enticingly in her lab, just waiting for her undivided attention.

"It is my understanding that O'Neill has requested our presence," replied Teal'c, nodding slightly in the direction of General Hammond's office. Through the window that separated it from the briefing room she could see the colonel and the general deep in conversation, a faintly baffled look on Hammond's face. From her angle the colonel looked completely relaxed, his hands shoved unconcernedly in his pockets, a slight slouch to his shoulders. But she knew, as she watched him, that it was a practiced casualness, one he'd used dozens of times to control deeper emotions he was trying to keep at bay. Or concealed. She could think of a half dozen ego-maniacal goa'uld and similarly afflicted NID agents who'd fallen for the act. She had no illusions, however, that General Hammond was fooled in the least, which probably accounted for the perplexed look he was giving the colonel, who seemed to be doing most of the talking.

"I thought Jack left here hours ago," Daniel said, now watching the same scene she was through the office window. "He said something about beer, Playstation and twenty-four hours of uninterrupted sleep."

She smiled slightly at the typical Colonel O'Neill remark but kept her eyes steadily on the exchange that was still taking place in the general's office. Hammond was leaning forward on his elbows talking now. His look had changed to one of patient indulgence and she saw the colonel shift his weight slightly. Probably it was just his knee giving him trouble—he said it had been acting up since they'd been cooped up in those cages on P2X-416. Still, his hands looked as if he'd pushed them even deeper into his pockets, a sign that whatever it was Hammond was saying now wasn't what he'd been hoping to hear.

"He did not," replied Teal'c to Daniel's remark. "We sparred for a considerable time in the gymnasium not more than two hours ago. In spite of the fact that I defeated him soundly, he seemed reluctant to stop. When I insisted, he asked if I would join him for lunch in the commissary. However, I had already promised Sergeant Siler that I would assist him with a project and had to decline. That was the last I saw of O'Neill. Until now," he added, indicating the direction of Hammond's office.

She realized it was probably bad form for all of them to be staring at their commanding officers discussing whatever it was they were discussing, so she made a concerted effort to draw her eyes away, noticing, before she did, that the colonel seemed to be talking again. Hammond's face had changed once more as he listened—it softened as she'd seen it do when he was dealing with matters that were more personal than professional. And yes…she was still looking when she shouldn't. Time for her to study something other than the two men on the other side of the glass.

She didn't need to divert her attention for long. Moments later Jack strode into the briefing room, rubbing his hands together, an overly bright smile stretching his face. Hammond was right behind him.

"Good news, kids!" he exclaimed. "We get to go on a field trip!"

"I thought we were out of the mission rotation for a few days, sir?" The colonel's exuberance had only brought deadpan looks from around the table. She thought of the generator sitting in her lab and suppressed a sigh. Daniel and Teal'c looked equally as un-enthusiastic.

"Something's come up, Carter. A very important survey of P4X-6-something-something. We're needed as escorts."

"P4X-656?" asked Daniel, sharing a confused glance with her. "I thought the UAV survey determined it was an uninhabited planet. There weren't even any sign of ruins."

"Reading suggested there might be some naquadah deposits beneath the surface, but we have no way of knowing how far down they might be," she replied. "We speculated that some goa'uld might have staked a claim to the planet years ago and then somehow lost track of it. But as far as we can tell, there has never been any evidence to support that mining ever took place there," she added. It had been the only explanation they could come up with that fit the evidence.

"Which is what SG-5 is being sent to investigate. Along with a team of geologists who will be working with some of our own mining experts to see if the planet could prove to be a viable source of naquadah for our own use, " explained Hammond patiently.

"I understand," replied Daniel, his eyes going back and forth between Hammond and the colonel, as if trying to figure something out. "I read the report…what I don't understand is…why us? If the planet is uninhabited, aren't two SG teams overkill?"

"Can't be too careful, these days, Daniel," the colonel answered him breezily. "You know what they say…an ounce of prevention…."

"…is worth a pound of _something_," muttered Daniel under his breath. She had to smother a smile and she even thought she saw a slight tug at the corner of Teal'c's mouth when she glanced his way.

"Considering that it may take several days to reach the primary vein of naquadah, it seems prudent to send an SG team as back-up to guard the gate while SG-5 provides primary support to the scientists," Hammond said, deliberately overlooking Daniel's not quite sotto voce remark. "It should be fairly routine. I'm sorry to pull you off your downtime, but there are no other teams available at the moment."

"Wait a minute…SG9 was supposed to be back-up on this mission. I saw…oh, what's his name…" Daniel snapped his fingers impatiently, finally remembering it. "Wells…on his way to the infirmary for his pre-mission check. He was complaining about baby-sitting the gate…."

Sam thought she saw a slight twitch on the general's face at Daniel's comment, but it might have been a trick of her eyes.

"One of their team turned up questionable on the physical," supplied the colonel. "You know Ol' Doc Fraiser: sneeze once and you're side-lined. So we're pinch-hitting." There was that smile again. The one she just couldn't quite bring herself to believe.

That, and the fact that Hammond seemed unable to meet her gaze…or anyone else's for that matter.

"Good luck, Colonel," he said quietly, patting the colonel's shoulder as he retreated back toward his office.

"Thank you, sir!" the colonel replied enthusiastically. "I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful time!" Then, turning to where they all still sat, he shooed them off. "Go on…get geared up. We're outta here in 30 minutes."

Sam couldn't help exchanging mystified glances one more time with both Daniel and Teal'c. Something about this just smelled wrong. But, an order was an order. She pushed back from the table and followed her teammates out the door with a sigh.

It looked like naquadah's rate of decay would remain a mystery for a few more days.

o-o-o-o-o

All things considered, it could have been much worse. The sun could have been hotter. Or the wind could have been colder. Or they could have been stuck staring at a flat plain of nothingness for as far as the eye could see. Even more annoying, they could have been in the midst of a rainforest with constant drizzle and whatever passed as alien mosquitoes using them for their evening meal. But in this instance the gate was located on a slight hill in the midst of other slight hills with terrain that suggested that at one time a glacier might have crawled slowly over this part of the planet hundreds of millennia before. The grass was tall and rippled in the pleasant breeze, broken only by scattered trees that were enormous in both girth and height. The crushed path of grass leading away from the gate vanished over the adjacent hill where SG5 and its science team had vanished hours ago. Aside from the sound of the wind in the grass and the occasional twitter of a bird in the nearby trees, it was blissfully silent and peaceful. They really couldn't have asked for a more idyllic site.

Or a more boring one. After scouting the perimeter and setting up camp, once SG5 had left there was literally nothing else to do. Experience had taught her to bring along something to keep herself occupied on missions like this, and if she couldn't actually work on the naquadah generator at least she could spend some quality time thinking about it. Daniel too, she knew, had brought along something to study—she'd seen him hurriedly shoving three books in his rucksack before he hefted it and then opted to remove one of them.

Yet neither of them had made a move toward their alternate activities. They were both watching the colonel who had yet to sit down during the entire three hours they had already been here. He'd taken Teal'c with him twice to walk the perimeter and when he hadn't been scouting the line he'd been prowling back and forth by the gate with all the pent-up energy of a caged beast. His earlier enthusiasm had given way to a detached remoteness that, had he not practically begged for this assignment, would have been more in line with what she'd have expected from him in this situation.

None of it made sense.

"Why would the colonel volunteer us for something like this?" she wondered aloud to Daniel, who was sitting next to her under one of the tower-like trees. It reminded her of an oak, but it wasn't like any oak she'd ever seen. "You know how he feels about scientists…and about cooling his heels waiting for them to do what it is they do. He hates these kinds of assignments. I just don't get it."

"I think I'm starting to…." Daniel's voice trailed off and she saw he was following Jack's pacing with his gaze. "What's the date today?"

She checked her watch just to make sure.

"The seventeenth. Why?"

"August, right?"

She loved Daniel, but sometimes he did live in his own little world.

"All month," she replied, trying to keep her sarcasm in check. "Again…_why_?"

A sigh escaped from the man next to her.

"Yeah…thought so," he mumbled, more to himself than to her.

"Daniel?"

He seemed to suddenly recall she was sitting beside him.

"What? Oh…sorry. Nothing. It's just…." He seemed like he was about to say more then thought better of it. "Nothing."

She felt her level of frustration ratchet up a notch. And it wasn't just because of her thwarted time off. They had, it seemed, just gotten the colonel back and the team re-established. Those horrible three months he was missing followed so soon after by the NID sting had left them all licking their wounded feelings just a bit. Now the colonel's odd behavior suggested that maybe everything wasn't quite as nicely healed up as she'd thought it had been. Maybe Daniel had some kind of insight….

"If you've got any idea what's going on…," she prodded him, trying not to sound irritated but failing. "Daniel…please…."

He pulled at a strand of nearby grass and twirled it between his fingers contemplating it. Finally he appeared to arrive at some decision and, tossing the stem aside, took a deep breath.

"August seventeenth is the anniversary of the day that Charlie…died" he paused a moment, glancing in the colonel's direction. "Jack's always made a point of being off-world when it comes around. I should have guessed."

"Oh god!" The exclamation escaped before she realized it.

Daniel glanced at her sympathetically. "He must have badgered Hammond into letting us take SG9's place when he realized we were out of the rotation for a few days and he'd be stuck with being at home today. No wonder he was so eager to come."

She made no reply. She couldn't. The tightness in her throat made it impossible to utter a sound. Tears stung her eyes and she turned away from Daniel so he wouldn't see. Not that he wouldn't have understood; he better than any of them knew what it had been like for the colonel. But the intensity of her own emotions took her by surprise and her heart literally ached as she watched the man in the distance, his restless wanderings taking on entirely new significance.

If only she'd known….

Then what? There was nothing she could have done—no words she could have spoken that wouldn't have only made the day even worse. How could she even dare to think that she could offer anything that might lessen his pain? She'd known loss, yes, but not like his. She couldn't even begin to imagine what he carried inside of him. Most of the time it didn't even occur to her, but on those handful of occasions when it was raised, she realized just how far from her he was.

And alone. As he was now, silhouetted against the empty gate, his ball cap pulled low.

And as much as she wanted to somehow ease his burden, she knew that no gesture she could make would suffice—or be welcomed. If she knew anything at all about the man, she knew that. There was nothing she could do.

Nothing except follow his lead and see the mission through.

"Come on," she told Daniel, scrambling to her feet and dusting off her pants. He looked up at her, blinking against the sun behind her.

"Where are we going?"

"To do our job." She jerked her head in the direction of the gate. "And bring those books you packed. After I'm done regaling the colonel with my theories of naquadah decay rates, you're going to dazzle us with whatever the heck it is you brought to read."

Daniel dredged the two books from his bag and reached for his notebook as well. Standing he said: "It's never going to be enough to fill up the whole day, you know that."

She shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure Teal'c can come up with a First Prime story or two. And if all else fails, I know I have a deck of cards in my pack somewhere."

"He'd hate it if he knew," Daniel commented, falling into step beside her through the tall grass. She spotted Teal'c off in the distance and signaled him to meet them at the gate.

He was right. The colonel would hate it. Which was why he'd never know. As his 2IC—as his friend—that was her job too, after all.

"We'll be fine," she replied, trying to feel as assured as she hoped she sounded. Up ahead she could see that the colonel was already alert to their change of position, his restlessness stilled for the moment as he waited for their approach. They'd help him get through this day somehow. No matter what it took. Or how long.

They would see this mission through.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Could someone please explain to me why we're still here?"

It was a relief to see Daniel's true face again, no longer pale and mutilated by Adria's so-called "gift". Even so, he seemed to have aged in the intervening months, as though the strain of maintaining two consciousnesses had taken their toll, regardless of Merlin's promise to return him to his pre-joined state. She knew both times that Jack had been restored from his encounters with the Ancient data base he too had retained residual evidence of the experience. She doubted if Daniel would ever be quite the same again either.

"Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you kidnapped a two-star general and hi-jacked one of the Air Force's super secret space ships to carry out your own quixotic plan to rid the universe of the Ori…but then that's just a wild guess," replied Vala, her own weariness bleeding through her lackluster attempt at humor. None of them were feeling too buoyant at the moment, in spite of the fact that, in the end, the mission had gone according to plan. Well…almost. There was still the matter of the kidnapping. And the hi-jacking. All of which seemed to be getting sorted out at the moment in General Landry's office if the raised voices of Woolsey, Landry and Jack were any indication. Not that any of them were eavesdropping. Well, at least not much.

"You did what you had to do, Jackson. Hell, I'd probably had done the same thing in your place."

Cam's vote of approval did little to affect the overall mood. The simple fact was, despite it being executed according to plan—more or less—they had no way of knowing if Merlin's device had, indeed, ultimately succeeded. And the fact that there was now an open wormhole streaming Ori ships between their galaxy and the Milky Way made any sense of victory ever so fleeting.

Daniel rubbed his temples with both hands, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just wish they'd let me go home and bring me up on charges after I've had a hot shower and a good night's sleep," he muttered. He looked exhausted. They all did, as she gazed around the conference table, including Jack, who she could still see through the window in the general's office gesturing pointedly at Woolsey's chest. Woosley had the sense at least to appear intimidated and took a half step back from Jack's not-quite-touching-him finger. Landry's scowl only seemed to reinforce whatever point Jack was making and it was fairly evident from the resigned look on Woolsey's face that it was all over. Moments later the door opened and Jack led the trio into the briefing room.

"Detention's over, kids. You can all go home now," quipped Jack, waving them toward the door. "That includes you, Daniel. Mr. Woolsey here seems to _finally_ appreciate that saving the galaxy _yet again_ more than makes up for any rash actions on your part." Sam couldn't help but think that Woolsey looked like he might take issue with that statement, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Except we don't know if we actually did save the galaxy," began Daniel wearily, but Jack interrupted him.

"Uh-uh-uh…" he held up his finger to shush Daniel. "Let's not spoil the moment, shall we? Now go on. Go home. All of you. That's an order. Right, general?" He turned to Landry, as if realizing he might have been stepping on some chain of command toes. Landry, for his part, didn't seem to mind.

"You're all dismissed," he added, perfunctorily. "What Jack said. Get out of here. All of you." He looked pointedly at Woolsey, who nodded awkwardly and half-backed out of the room, as if he didn't feel he could safely turn his back on its current occupants. Which was probably a wise move, all things considered.

Letting the others file out, she gathered the useless piles of reports she'd brought with her and loitered near the door, trying to be unobtrusive. Jack and Landry exchanged a few more words before the general returned to his office and Jack came over to where she waited.

"Go home, Carter. I'm going to stick around for a while, see if Hank needs any more help kicking Woolsey's ass to the curb."

She had no doubt but that Richard Woolsey was half way to DC already, his bureaucratic tail tucked soundly between his legs. She knew Jack's reason for staying had nothing whatsoever to do with Woolsey or Landry or anything else that had happened over the past week.

It was August seventeenth.

"No, sir."

If her response surprised him, he didn't show it. If anything, he seemed to sag slightly, as if he'd given up the effort of pretense. It took every bit of her ingrained training to keep her hand from reaching out to touch his tired face and wrapping her arms around him. He seemed to sense her unspoken concern for he dropped his voice and spoke softly.

"Sam…please. I'll be home later."

She knew it was a lie. Or at the very least, it was a promise she knew he'd never keep. He'd find some excuse to stay around the SGC until morning, filling the time with Landry or Siler or even hanging out in the control room with Walter. Anything to keep his mind on matters that had nothing to do with the date or its significance.

"Then I'm staying too," she declared, simply. There was no way in hell she was going to leave him alone on this day. She hadn't for the past seven years, whether he knew it or not, and she wasn't about to start now. "Just like always," she added softly.

Something in how she'd said it must have given her away. She saw comprehension dawn on Jack's face, followed by the rapid succession of emotions as he went from understanding to surprise to a momentary flash of anger to grief and remorse, all in the space of a few heartbeats. He leaned against the door jamb and studied the floor.

"How long have you known?" he asked finally, his voice uncharacteristically husky. He still didn't look up.

"A long time," she replied, denying again the urge to reach out and touch him.

"Daniel told you?" He still studied the floor.

"Years ago."

She thought she heard him give a slight huff. "Blabber mouth."

A small reflexive smile tugged at her mouth just as he looked up and met her gaze. His indictment of Daniel had been in jest but there was no humor in his eyes. They were dark and filled with self-recrimination, even after all this time. She could only imagine what they must have been like that day, so many years ago.

"Come home, Jack."

"Sam…." She watched the protest die on his lips. He released a weary sigh and nodded slightly. "Fine. You go ahead. I'll be right behind you."

She knew she couldn't give him even the slightest opportunity to renege. Shaking her head she countered, "No. If it's that important, I can wait."

He studied her for a moment as if gauging her determination and when it became apparent to him she wasn't moving without him, he finally shrugged in resignation.

"After you."

o-o-o-o-o

Neither of them could muster much of an appetite. She'd put the half-filled boxes of Chinese take-out in the fridge as he'd grabbed a beer and settled on the sofa, feet stretched out on the coffee table. He was the picture of relaxation, even if she knew it to be an absolute sham. For all the nonchalance he was more tense than she'd ever seen him, his features rigid, his jaw clenched. If she had even dared touch him she wouldn't have been surprised to find him made of stone. And he was equally as approachable. During dinner he hadn't said more than two words.

He was absently switching channels with the remote when she sat down next to him with a cup of tea. They'd opened up the windows to rid the house of its unoccupied staleness and now a warm breeze was bringing in the sounds of the neighborhood enjoying a summer evening. On and off she could hear people talking, the barking of dogs, the crack of a baseball bat, the shouts of kids at play. It was in stark contrast to the oppressive silence of the house, interrupted only by the random and incoherent sound bites issuing from the flickering television.

Finally he settled on a channel that featured an innocuous documentary on the indigenous peoples of the Arctic. It was little more than something to stare at, she knew, but she let him be, thumbing through a magazine she'd been reading last time she'd spent an evening at home. A magazine, she realized, that was six months out-of-date. Tossing it aside, she concentrated instead on learning why polar bears did not make particularly good neighbors and how to keep one's sense of direction in a blinding snow storm—totally worthless facts she filed away in case she ever found herself stranded at the North Pole.

She was sure Jack wasn't absorbing a word of the program, but he seemed disinclined to do anything else, so she stayed where she was, close enough to feel the heat of his body on an already warm summer night, yet still not actually touching him. She had never felt so useless. Whatever he was thinking or feeling, she obviously had no part in it aside from her mere proximity, and she wondered if perhaps she shouldn't have left well enough alone—if she shouldn't have let him wander the halls of the SGC in search of a diversion. Because whatever comfort she had hoped to offer, it was apparently not what Jack wanted or needed.

She had always known that this was one aspect of Jack's life she would never be able to completely share, but she had believed that eventually she could at least be able to be there for him when this dreaded day rolled around. But Jack had relied on his own coping mechanism for so long, she should have known better than to interfere with it. She had thought, somehow, she could make things better. Instead, it seemed, she had only served to make things worse.

When the program ended they continued to sit, silently, while the next one began. In spite of her best efforts, Sam felt her eyes repeatedly become leaden and when she jerked herself awake for the fifth time she knew she couldn't last another moment. She picked up the remote and stood.

"Come to bed, Jack," she said, switching off the TV and holding out her hand. To her surprise, he hesitated only a moment before taking it and letting her lead him to bed.

The previous year, when he had not been aware of her knowledge, she'd planned an evening with Daniel and Teal'c. The four of them had stayed up half the night talking and reminiscing, keeping Jack appropriately distracted until, exhausted, the other two had gone home and she and Jack had fallen wearily into bed. She remembered how he'd pretended, for her sake, to sleep, even though she knew he'd laid awake for hours afterward, in spite of how tired she knew he had been. She'd longed to touch him even then—to hold him and let him know she understood, but at the time it had seemed more important to keep him from discovering that she knew, and so she'd kept silent vigil with him in the dark, feigning her own sleep as well so he wouldn't find out.

Now she had no such constraint. And even though it was apparent that she had been mistaken to think that she could, in any way make this easier for him, she refused to give up entirely. So when he turned off the light and lay on his side, facing away from her, she wrapped her arm around him and held him tightly. She felt him tense at first, unwilling to accept her implied comfort, but after a few moments he took a deep breath and as if releasing some great burden, surrendered himself to her arms. In the dark his hand grasped hers and held it tightly, for all the world like he would never let it go. And even though she could feel the nerve being pinched in her shoulder and her fingers going numb, she didn't dream of moving it. Only when she could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest and the relaxation of his hand around hers and knew, without doubt, that he finally slept, did she work her hand free. Even then she kept her arm firmly about him, refusing to remove the only comfort he seemed capable of accepting. And knowing that she had at least made some progress, exhausted she also fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Why aren't you here?"

Daniel's voice over the phone was choppy and she had a sinking feeling her cell phone was about to drop the call. She made a mental note to talk to Jack about getting a plan that had a better coverage area; she'd been able to get a better signal dialing in from Pegasus.

"My flight was delayed," she replied, trying to speak distinctly. "There was a major storm front moving through the Ohio Valley and we had to re-route south around it. Now they've made us switch planes in Texas after some kind of problem with the engine. So I've got an ETA at Peterson at 1530 hours."

She heard an audible sigh over the phone. That came through crystal clear.

"It's not my fault, Daniel." She was trying not to sound testy, but the day had steadily gone from bad to worse. And he wasn't the only one who wished she was already there. "Being grilled by the Joint Chiefs on why we no longer have an Ancient Weapon's platform isn't exactly my idea of fun. And I can't control the weather or the stupid bird that got itself sucked into the engine of our plane. I'm doing the best I can."

The voice at the other end turned apologetic.

"I know you are, Sam. It's just…."

"I'll be there, Daniel. I promise. Three hours. Tops."

They said their good-byes and she flipped the phone shut, sitting back in the seat and closing her eyes. She listened to the crew going through the final flight check before take-off. It had been a while, but she found herself running down the list that had once been as much a part of her knowledge base as her own name. Listening to the pilot and co-pilot, a few things had changed since her day and she realized just how long it had been since the last time she'd flown anything that resembled a traditional plane. On the other hand, she was pretty sure none of the crew had the tech manuals for a naquadah-powered, Asgard-enhanced, hyper-drive capable space vessel sitting on their desks at home either. So there was something to be said for being a bit out of the mainstream after all.

What she really wanted now, though, was an F-302. Or the Odyssey in orbit with functional transporters. She should have been in Colorado Springs four hours ago and in spite of her assurances to Daniel, she wasn't sure she'd even lay money on that ETA she'd given him. Not without a significant margin of error. There wasn't enough brass on her shoulders to move things along any faster than they already were, and at the moment she didn't think she was really in a position where asking for favors would do her much good. Certainly not in the wake of the past few days.

She was still smarting from the once-over by the Pentagon. Not that they'd found anything wrong, ultimately, in the way she'd handled the situation. But they had poked and prodded in a few tender spots to make sure that she'd exhausted every option available to her at the time. Like authorizing a good friend's kamikaze run on a wraith hive wasn't in itself a last ditch measure. But…earth had survived the wraith and she had survived the Joint Chiefs and as long as no long-suffering goa'uld with a grudge got word that they were more or less defenseless once Atlantis returned to Pegasus, then they would all be okay.

Now all she had to do was get home. Preferably before the day was done.

It was, after all, the seventeenth of August.

When her appearance before the Joint Chiefs had first been scheduled, she'd noted with relief that it put her in DC on that date. But because it seemed they existed only to complicate her life, the IOA scheduled their own meeting at Cheyenne Mountain at the same time, with the result that she and Jack were heading in opposite directions on the same days, both coming and going. He needed to be back in DC first thing in the morning and planned to take the last flight from Schriever that night. If she didn't make it on time, they would miss each other.

Although missing each other seemed to be what they did best these days.

Of course the ironic thing was, she had just had a similar conversation with Jack ten minutes before Daniel called. And while she was sure the IOA was keeping him suitably distracted, she also knew he had been counting on her being there. In fact, he had specifically asked her to be in Colorado Springs that day, a request so unusual that she'd asked him to repeat it just to make sure. He hadn't mentioned the significance of the date; even after she'd revealed to him that she knew, he had never actually acknowledged it. But that hadn't surprised her. Nor had it bothered her. It was like that with Jack: there were things that were understood without ever being said because, quite simply, they didn't need to be. Words, sometimes, merely got in the way.

But Jack asking her to come…that _was_ unusual. And for that reason alone she would do everything within her power to be there, long-winded bureaucrats and mid-summer storms notwithstanding. Especially since she had failed him the previous year, having been stuck in Atlantis. The destruction of the intergalactic bridge had completely ruined her carefully arranged plans to be home this time last year and she'd had to call on Daniel and Teal'c to concoct some reason for being in DC and with Jack. It had worked out, but she had regretted every moment she wasn't there. This year it was supposed to have been simpler.

Right. Best laid plans, and all that.

She felt a shift in the vibration of the plane and realized that the pre-flight check was complete. Any minute they'd be taxiing toward the runway. Looking at her watch she was relieved to see they were leaving ahead of schedule. Perhaps her estimate to Daniel would be on the mark after all. Barring any further catastrophes, she might arrive at the SGC before Jack's meeting was even over. That would give her time to debrief Landry and collect her thoughts so that she could give Jack her undivided attention whenever he was ready.

The familiar sensation of G-forces pushed her back into her seat as the plane took off. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She thought of Jack's voice on the phone and how he'd awkwardly asked if she would be able to make it. No jokes. No quips. No forced joviality to over-sell his supposed indifference to the day. It left her feeling vaguely uneasy and only amplified her need to get to him as soon as humanly possible.

Beneath her the airbase disappeared below a layer of wispy clouds. She checked her watch again. Two hours air time if they didn't encounter too many cross-winds. This was good. She'd make it on time after all.

In spite of the roar—or perhaps because of it, she closed her eyes again and tried to rest. It had been a long day already, and she had a very strong suspicion that it was far from being over.

o-o-o-o-o

Jack maneuvered easily through the residential streets lined sporadically with cars parked at the curb. This was the older part of town; tall trees shaded the sidewalks and dappled the street with soft light, angling lower now that it was early evening and the sun was beginning it's descent toward the mountains.

She had a vague notion of where she was. All her years in Colorado Springs, first a the Academy and then with the SGC, had made her at least familiar with the city's basic lay-out, and she had a general sense of where things were. She'd be the first to admit, however, that aside from a few familiar locations close to her home, she hadn't spent much time in the rest of the city and therefore had no idea where Jack might be headed. He'd simply asked for the keys when they'd left the base and hadn't volunteered any other comment since.

His silence now—although as she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, she decided that it was more focus than a deliberate decision not to talk—was eased by her assurance that he truly was relieved that she had finally made it. She'd been lingering with Daniel in the hallway outside the conference room when the IOA meeting had adjourned, and as the attendees filtered out, she'd caught a glimpse of him conferring with Richard Woolsey. Almost as if he could sense her eyes on him, he'd looked suddenly in her direction and she had seen the tension in his body practically melt away as their eyes met. It had been the briefest of exchanges—so brief, in fact, that Richard hadn't even noticed. But it had been enough to reassure her that it had been worth every effort it had taken to make it there. Undomesticated equines, as Teal'c would say.

The houses that lined the street had given way to a long fence and it took her a moment to grasp what she was seeing. Her stomach clenched when she did and she looked briefly at Jack to see if this was indeed where he was intending to go. His face was taut and he seemed drained of color, his eyes never straying from the road ahead as if he were making a concerted effort, now, _not_ to look her way. She saw that his knuckles were white on the steering wheel but they managed to unlock long enough for him to guide the car through the large iron gates and into the cemetery.

Without hesitating he selected the small road to the left and began to carefully wend the car along the twisting trek among weathered headstones and wind-worn monuments. Large monoliths, various statues, even an occasional mausoleum—the remnants of another era lined the route. Soon, though, the older markers gave way to smaller, more uniform one. The statuesque trees that had shaded the older part were replaced by smaller evergreens and spruce, and the grass had crisped to a pale khaki from its nearly constant exposure to the summer sun. Without the taller trees to block the view, the mountains rose as a blue-hued backdrop to the field of carefully placed granite and marble, and it was here that Jack stopped the car.

He looked at her, finally, his hands still affixed to the wheel. His face was half in shadow and hard to see, but there was no mistaking the effort he put into keeping his voice steady when he spoke.

"Give me a minute, okay?"

She nodded, mutely, not quite trusting her own voice, and watched as he opened the door and got out. There was just the briefest moment of hesitation before he took the first step, but then his stride became steadier and more deliberate, taking him in no time at all to a granite stone that she now could see had "O'Neill" carved into it. He paused a moment as he neared it and she saw his shoulders straighten, almost as if at attention, before stepping forward. The gesture pierced her heart like a knife.

Unable to watch—unwilling to intrude on his solitary grief—she found herself studying her hands with blurred vision. If only she had known…. She felt like an intruder…a voyeur. Someone who had no right to be a part of this.

But he had asked her to come. And whether she felt she belonged here or not, he needed her and that was all that mattered. This had always been the one part of him she could never reach, the wound in Jack's soul that had scabbed over but never healed. She didn't harbor any illusions that it would ever be any different for him. But perhaps somehow, in some small way, this helped.

She wiped her nose and risked a glance in his direction. He'd turned toward her and was gesturing with his head that she should come.

Oh god.

Quickly she wiped her eyes and taking a deep breath, opened the car door. Moments later she was standing at Jack's side, looking at his son's name.

"Sara wanted cremation," he told her quietly, his eyes also fixed on the stone. "Wanted to scatter his ashes up in the mountains. We argued about it."

Sam said nothing, deciding it was best to just let him talk.

"I told her I wanted him here, with a stone with his name on it, so people wouldn't forget him." He paused for a moment and added softly, "Not that we ever would…."

She could only nod. Her throat had tightened and the name on the stone was swimming. She hoped Jack wouldn't look her way. She heard him clear his throat.

"She thanked me later, actually," he continued after a moment, his voice a bit stronger. "Said she liked coming here…seeing it. Talking to him."

He gazed off into the distance at the mountain range and shoved his hands in his pocket. "Of course the irony is, I never did. Come back here, that is. To see it."

Sam couldn't hide her surprise.

"Never?"

Jack shrugged, apologetically.

"Nope." He breathed in the warm evening air and let it out slowly. "I just wanted to forget."

She thought of all the years she'd tried to help him do just that.

"I know."

He looked at her finally and a sad smile briefly played on his lips.

"Yes. You do."

They held each other's eyes for a long moment before either one looked away. And when they did finally break their gaze, Sam knew something profound had just happened. The seventeenth of August no longer had any power over the man beside her.

She slipped her hand gently into his and squeezed it tightly.

"C'mon," he said, intertwining his fingers with hers. "Time to go."

"You're sure?"

He glanced one more time at the headstone. In the low-angled light it cast a long shadow across the grass, ending at their feet.

"Yeah. I'm good." There was a faint note of surprise in his voice. He gave her a brief smile.

She studied his face for a moment and decided he was telling her the truth.

"Yes," she replied, recalling another conversation long ago. "You are." And taking his arm with her other hand, they left the shadows behind them and made their way home.


End file.
